(2/9) Grief & Depression
I do not need to go into detail of my love for my cousin. The period of grief that followed will speak for itself. Suffice to say we were inseparable in our innocent youth until depression took him over like a demon in the night. He fell into drugs and escaped death so many times that I should have been more prepared for this. But I always prayed for him. I knew God had saved people like him and I could see what others couldn’t, the fact that God would not let him die just yet. He saved him from multiple overdoses and suicide attempts. I grew comfortable in the fact that God would never let him kill himself because He had a bigger plan for his life. But here I am now listening to my mom tell me he is gone.
In the months following his death I searched for signs of him. I desperately needed to know if he was in heaven or if the nature of his death sent him immediately to hell. In June, I got what I took to be a sign. My family and I flew to his home to scatter his ashes in Lake Michigan on a beach he visited a lot. A good portion of our memories together involved beach trips so the environment was fitting. As we watch his ashes be washed away in the water his sister, Elizabeth, and I talked about shared memories we had with him. One we specifically recalled was the hours we spent playing Mario Kart and the way we did not like Donkey Kong. As we walked backed up the beach, Elizabeth noticed writing in the sand. When we looked closer we saw in huge letters DONKEY KONG written in the sand facing the water. We were shocked and amazed. My first reaction was laughter through tears. He was okay! He as in heaven and he was okay.
The closure I felt from that day was short lived unfortunately. I went home and since it was summer I only had one of my two jobs to maintain so I had hours to myself. I found a live stream on TikTok of a woman who would do bible studies. The first topic of her that I came across was the topic of why God allows suffering. I took it as a direct nod to me and I took in every word. Then I decided to finally take the advice of my mother and journey through the bible. It took me a year and a half to get through the Bible in a Year podcast but I did it.
When I first started journeying through the bible it felt more like an obligation. It took me so long because I didn’t want to listen to it everyday. I had to force myself to get through these short readings but I did enjoy the discussion at the end of each reading deciphering what we had just heard. Still, I was drowning in depression and grief. Whats worse, I felt completely alone. I was home now, miles away from John Paul's parents and sister. The only three people in the world who understood who we lost. My husband didn’t know how to deal with what I was going through and that led to a lot of arguments and tension between us. My mother had still recently lost her brother so I felt she had enough on her plate. Nobody else I knew truly understood what my cousin meant to me and how devastated I was. Anytime I thought about reaching out to someone I felt like a burden. Even though logically I knew this was not true I felt completely and entirely unloved. I never contemplated taking my own life but I could understand how someone might get so low and I believe if it weren’t for my faith my path might have spiraled there. Thanks be to God that moment was the lowest I ever stooped. I was saved from that darkness by recalling a dream. It wasn’t a dream I had in that time but rather a dream from months ago.