(8/9) Seeking Without Surrender
Waves of depression continued to wash over me. In those times I fell into a trap of negativity. This time, though, I was catching on. The lies I fed myself were almost coming in subliminally. Little flashes in a pan of “You won’t stick with this,” “You weren’t cut out for this,” and the big one “You love more than you are loved.” This phrase is one I not only subliminally thought to myself but it’s also something I said out loud about myself.
The Hallow app had a series of reflections on Mary Magdalen and her life. Once I was prompted to reflect on the scene in The Chosen when Jesus finds Mary in a pit of despair and just claims her. The thought came to me of His overwhelming love for us. He claims me. He loves ME. The narrator ended the session by asking us to reflect on what God wants to tell us. That phrase I often say came to my mind “I love more than I am loved.” The scene of Jesus claiming Mary in all of her brokenness and loving her anyway reminded me of God’s never-ending love and grace for us. That phrase I carried around for so long I was able to reject with a new understanding; even if that were true by all other humans on earth, it still wouldn’t be the truth. Because He loves me.
Somehow I stumbled on TikTok for some reason and just in time to catch the end of that same woman who led a bible study live. She made a comment about the negative things we say to ourselves. She said, “Those things are not from God, and if they are not from God who are they from?” The devil knows when to strike. It’s either when I’m at my lowest in a wave of depression. Or when I am about to embark on something new and exciting. Both times are when my confidence is vulnerable. But recognizing those flashes of negativity and being able to cast them out is something that I strive for now. I give them to God and remind myself who I am working for. If my life purpose is about pleasing Him, the opinions of anyone else (good or bad) no longer matter.
Waves of depression still come, and with them those negative voices. But being tuned into them now allows me to shine a light on them and cast them out.