(4/9) Thy Will Be Done
My walk with Christ picked up a little bit then. And just in time too because not long after I learned I was pregnant again. A month later, after my day job had picked back up, my Dad was admitted to the hospital and put on a heart transplant list. The weeks that followed were grueling. I was sick, tired, stressed, and working two jobs. When I wasn’t working my second job I was visiting my dad in the hospital. It was this experience that brought me to my next hard lesson. I had to learn to surrender control. I struggled with the phrase “Thy will be done” because I knew ultimately that was the case but I did not want to accept it. I prayed tirelessly for my dad’s health all the while wondering what was the point if it wasn’t God’s will.
By His merciful healing hands my dad did get a new heart and made a full recovery. But tragically his brother, who had received a lung transplant earlier that year, did not. He contracted RSV and passed away just before Christmas.
Thus ends 2022 with yet another tragic and unexpected death.
This lead to a new sense of fear around my dad’s health. I was constantly conflicted between shielding him from the germs my family and I may be carrying yet wanting to spend every precious moment with him. The fear was all coming from that same need for control.
I continued to pray. I continued to listen to my bible readings.
As my pregnancy progressed, working two jobs and being a mother was becoming way too much. Yet, I seemed to keep coming across messages of encouragement in hard times. I recall a moment at work with a little girl. Her goal was to be able to step down from a curb safely and independently. I had her standing on top of a 10 inch stack of mats and she was to step down. I wanted to be near her enough to guard but the girl was scared and kept grabbing onto me. I told her “I’m right here. I’m not going to let you fall but I’m not going help you. You need to do it”
Those same words, my own words, came back and struck me in my heart the next morning when I was listening to my bible. God was saying the same thing to me. He was not going to make this season easier for me because this is strengthening me. But He was still right there and was not going to let me fall. It was an incredible realization. One that I kept with me to endure the rest of that season of my life. Once I reached my maternity leave life was going to change for me all over again.
Another reoccurring message I was getting nearing the birth of my third child was one that things do not always go the way we want them to go. This message was a little unnerving to me. I thought of any possibility surrounding my baby from the delivery having to be a c-section to possible defects. But with each of those messages came the message that God will be with me.