(5/9) Supposed to be
On April 14th I went into the my OB appointment for a routine ultrasound and check up. They found I had too much fluid and felt that with my gestational diabetes and the size of the baby it would be best to induce. Today. Right now.
I wasn't upset about this decision in fact I was excited. I was scheduled to be induced the following week at 39 weeks. Only I didn't feel my diabetes was being managed well enough and I feared the negative outcomes of allowing the pregnancy to progress too far. The big worry being the size of the baby. We knew weeks ago the size was above average so I asked at 36 weeks if we could induce at 37 weeks at what is considered full term. At that time, they didn't see it medically necessary.
I had just finished work and was supposed to have one more week off to prepare. I rushed home and dug out the old car seat only to find it eaten through by mice. This unforseen complication could have been dealt with had things gone the way they were supposed to. The first of many “supposed to be” moments.
Everyone who's been through it knows the pain of labor. But somewhere in the rush of childbirth everything became intense. The actions of the labor and delivery team became serious. There was an urgency to get the baby out and no time to explain. It was shoulder dystocia.
Jackson Phoenix. The initials made JP to honor my beloved cousin and the Phoenix to symbolize beauty born from the ashes of the year 2022. He was born with the cord around his neck and a broken right arm. I later learned of all the ways shoulder dystocia could go, we got off easy.
After the intensity of that labor I was looking forward to the relief that comes next. But I wasn't met with relief. Immediately following the birth, my legs were shaking and the pain of contractions kept coming. The rest of the day blurred by:
Jackson was being taken to children's for his arm
I was hemorrhaging
The interventions they were taking to stop the bleeding were painful and ineffective. I remember being in so much agony I wished I would lose consciousness.
Finally they told me they were taking me to the OR.
I came out of surgery just in time to see my newborn off to a children’s hospital.
I was told they found my cervix was torn and once that was repaired they thought they were able to control the bleeding. My mother came to my bedside so my husband could go with Jackson. Seeing her by my side was the first time I let myself cry. It wasn't out of fear but rather grief. I remember just wanting to take a moment to cry for the way the birth of my last baby was “supposed to” go.
Before I knew it, my time to wallow in self-pity was cut short. I was still bleeding and had to be taken back to the OR for a potential emergency hysterectomy. I didn't know what I would wake up to if I would wake up at all.
By Gods healing hands I came out of surgery just fine.
This time they were able to successfully perform the interventions they tried to do earlier to stop the bleeding. However in all of that I had lost over half my blood so I did have to spend the night in the ICU for blood transfusions and a more watchful eye than the labor and delivery ward could provide.
While in the ICU so many of the healthcare team asked me how I was doing mentally. I guess they expected more emotion. One nurse in particular didn't seem to understand how I was in a state of acceptance. I told her this isn’t ideal but I cannot waste my energy getting upset about the way things went. My only focus was getting better so that I could be back with my son. She continued to press with a concern in her eye. I told her about the lessons my Bible in a Year podcast had prepared me for. I found those lessons replaying like a ringing in my ear. Once she seemed convinced I truly was mentally okay she took special interest in my bible in a year. Who knows how far that interaction went with her but I like to think if my experience could be used bring her on her own walk with God what an honor that would be. This same nurse was the one to greet me the very next evening when I was moved back to labor and delivery. There I was also reunited with my sweet newborn, arm reset and bandaged, after just one night away from each other. Now that my husband, baby, and I were back together I finally got the postpartum experience I longed for. The nurse had me walk with her a few laps in the hall before she would allow me to walk around my room independently. I walked the laps with such ease she was in amazement. I still don't think I fully know what shape they expected me to have been in after what I went through but the nurses made it clear most women would still be bed bound or at the very least not feeling well for days. But I wasn't. I felt amazing and was able to be discharged the next day on normal schedule. My husband and I left the hospital grateful to have our healthy baby boy with us.
It took reflecting back on that day to really appreciate the peace and strength God gave me to get through that. Things did not go the way I thought they were supposed to but He was with me.